sunshine mommy

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

• Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost.
• Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)
• Is over conscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values.
• Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things
• Shows rigidity and stubbornness” ^[1]

So, the things that have been plaguing me my whole life, perfectionism and the need for total control, are the things that have also been driving me crazy lately (on top of hormones and toddler unruliness). My very insightful therapist has let me know (and no surprise to me), that I have created a false sense of reality for myself; one of utter perfection and where I am able to handle all and control everything.  I have been very successful in living in this false world (aka denial) up until this point, and now with a marriage, house, work, and two little boys, I have learned a hard lesson. It made me extremely depressed, anxious, irritable and CRAZY to realize that I JUST CAN’T DO IT ALL. But those feelings are the things I am learning to manage and I’ve had a very interesting week.

 I have been in cognitive behavioral therapy for 3 days now. It is a partial hospitalization program where I spend seven hours a day in group therapy, talking, talking, talking, and learning important lessons about the way our brains work, how and why we think negatively and how WE CAN CHANGE the way we think so we can be happier, more adjusted members of society. I am dealing with things I have suppressed inside for many years and figuring out the way my perception of the world effects me unconstructively. I have also met some of the coolest people, all kinds of folks from different walks of lives, struggling with their own personal demons and yet so parallel to me and my life. I have been a very attentive student in my daily therapy, and now have a much better understanding of me. I have a long way to go before I meet my own personal goals with all this (maybe years) but that’s ok. I will do this, with practice and help.

I made the best decision of my entire life seeking help and although I felt ashamed at first, I now realize by bettering myself I will finally be at peace with this crazy world I live in Oh, and hopefully a better Mama too!