Dec 07 2008
When the sun goes behind the clouds, and stays.
I didn’t really know how to post such a difficult story but I want those who read this, many friends and family, to know of my current struggles. Over the last few weeks I have noticed each morning, after little sleep and anxious nights, the days seem darker and darker. Not just because winter is here in full force, but more so because I feel gloomy, below par and depressed. I began having panic attacks over these feelings and constant anxiety. As the days moved slowly on, the normal stresses I deal with in my life: kids, the house, going back to work, cleaning; have become so crushing to me, I realized I could no longer manage. First the housework started to fall to the wayside and I tried to focus on the kids, my exhaustion so great, I truly couldn’t focus on anything else. Being the control freak that I am, I started panicking that I couldn’t keep the house clean anymore and began living in a constant state of anxiety. Then Mr. Toddler, being in the midst of “terrible twos”, had a very bad week. Nothing I did made him happy. He screamed, cried, threw temper tantrum after tantrum and I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I didn’t know what to say to him to calm him down, I felt myself going into a state of hysterics at his constant fits of screaming. Then Mr. Buddy would start crying and I felt myself about to snap. I have had multiple occasions of locking myself in the bathroom, crying, hoping the madness would just stop, trying to calm myself down so I can deal with these boys patiently. What is happening to me? One night the sun set and with it went my patience, sanity, and happiness.
It has gotten so bad, and so debilitating, that I have decided to seek therapy immediately. I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person I have become. I am trying so hard to be a happy mommy so my kids are happy, but how does one manage this when they would rather hide under the covers and cry? I found an intensive program of counseling and medication management that I will hopefully begin next week. We will have to make many adjustments in our lives to make this work. I will not be able to take care of the kids during the day while I go away for my treatment, so my husband is left to manage childcare. He tells me not to worry about it because he’ll do anything and everything in his power to make me feel better. I am hanging on a string of hope. I’ll do anything to find myself again, to be a happy mama.
I think some post-pardom is perfectly normal, it seems like you’re handling it well and I’m glad you’re talking to someone about it. Let me know how it’s going, and if I can do anything…love you!